Ground zero. It was first moment when the crack in his mask was visible, when I could see the truth.The truth doesn't leak out - it forces its way through the lies, melts down the cover ups and is eventually emblazoned on the retinas of the deceived. When his mask crumbled, and the truth was exposed, I didn't want to accept it.
I was 36 weeks pregnant as I sat in the restaurant two days after reading a text message on his phone. It was from a woman I didn't know. The little digital words that would changed my life were "Are you still in Iowa? I miss you!"
I had been traveling back and forth between Iowa and New York finishing up my job before the baby was due, and he had come to drive me back home to Iowa. I had given up my career to support his, my friends and family and had moved to east bum fuck for him. I was supposed to be heading back home after visiting family for a wedding to set up the nursery in anticipation of our daughter's arrival.
It had been two days, and for those 48 hours I had given him the 10th degree relentlessly. He claimed innocence through his convincing crocodile tears. He made me feel like I was being a jealous pregnant crazy wife - those were his exact words. How could he do anything to hurt me or the baby he claimed? He loved me and the baby more than ANYTHING he claimed.
I don't know exactly what the breaking point was for him, or what I said to make the truth finally explode. I was 36 weeks pregnant as I sat there and heard the words "I had sex with THEM" tumble out of his mouth, freeing him, but imprisoning me. Immediately I wanted him to take it back. TAKE IT BACK - IT CAN'T BE TRUE. In that moment my mind tried to protect me, and suddenly I was looking down at myself. I wasn't hearing his blubbering explanations or justifications for his actions from across the table - no, I was safely floating above us watching, like this awful thing wasn't actually happening to me. I was just a spectator to this horrible event. The truth melted it all, and not just for me. For my poor unborn daughter. It was so odd, but in that moment all I could focus on was that I wasn't going to be able to put the diapers away in the diaper organizer.
No comments:
Post a Comment